Sunday, 18 March 2012

Me and my shadow

 

Hi this is my story about me and my wee friend the shadow,

At 52 i find myself  in an old rusty truck living a simple life here in the Scottish mountains and along with my wife Mel oor 2 wee cats Wilkie and Chloe , i can say i have never been happier , aye my wee friend visits still but i have learnt to welcome him into my life.

For many many years i battled against my depression until in 1996/7 the fight for me seemed useless and i had had enough , the way out of the darkness became harder and harder the doors one by one disappeared and during that time i tried to commit suicide on several occasions .

The days leading up to my suicide attempt that i thought i had succeeded are as vivid now as if it was yesterday , A number of actions shall i call them had meant the darkness had got darker the keys that had worked in the past to help me through no longer worked.

I felt as though i was running round in ever decreasing circles no matter which key on whatever door i tried it would not open ….

Until the day even the doors disappeared and looking down to where i had placed the keys they to had vanished , all light had gone all hope had floated away .

With pills and booze i headed up the road to the Fruin ..

I started to come around in Hospital although i had been able to walk there escorted by the police , i had GONE

through the mist voices behind the material screen drifted to my ears

two nurses were speaking

“ WHY SHOULD WE TREAT THE LIKES OF HIM. I HAVE FAR MORE BETTER THINGS TO DO”

to this day those words pop into my wee heed , but noo they make me smile.

I have always believed that we have the ability to heal ourselves and to this end have shied away from doctors and medication .

In the end though my now wife Mel convinced me to go and see the local Doctor , he was kind and sat and listened no feeling of time intruded as i told him my story .

At the end of my visit he handed me a prescription and i left.

For a couple of weeks i took the drugs , but slowly i could feel myself slipping further into my depression in fact it felt because of the drugs i had no control at all.

Then one day i tossed the drugs in the bin and headed to the mountains .

For months i screamed inside and out …

Then one morning i got up and the shadow had gone , simply vanished , happiness and hope had both returned ..

The mountains and the surrounding nature had seemed to take my spirit and wash it clean .

With new drive and dreams i headed doon the road . but the day that rings oot for me was when Mel said i should het a laptop .

“NO, NO WAY” but somehow she convinced me to go to the shop and buy one .

Now and because of that day i know that my wee friend and i truly count him as a friend my wee shadow live happily , and through my art pictures , tales and films i am able to journey knowing i will never return to the ABYSS..

I am a lot more careful who i let into my life now .

But looking out into the world from my wee tin can i am happy and when i get comments emails etc about how i have inspired someone across the globe i now know why i survived my leap into the abyss ..

LOVE AND LIGHT

 

guard the keys my friend

 

Ps i now have many keys from the wee flowers to the mighty storms

 

…………………………….

 

 

A wee poem and some words from a special friend

A poem by Andy Daniels :

Bolted doors

Others may not realize

Madness they have caused

My soul stinging deep inside

Behind bolted doors

Vulnerable but much too young

And always insecure

No laughter here from anyone

Behind bolted doors

Hidden anguish so much shame

Guilt and so much more

Spirit burning like a flame

Behind bolted doors

Here I stay where life is hell

Haunted emotions roar

Trapped inside my lonely shell

Behind bolted doors

Forgotten memories

Forgotten memories don’t hide

They live within us

Deep inside

We may feel guilty and regret

Bad memories

We can’t forget

Forgotten memories belong

Back there in the past

That’s gone

From mistakes

They say we learn

Insane nightmares still return

Forgotten memories are seen

Remaining in our

Broken dreams

All so difficult

To ignore

Depression is a private war

Forgotten memories

They delve

Like burning ashes

In ourselves

Bringing tears to our eyes

We learn to block them our lives

(Wrote that one a few seconds ago)

Best wishes

LIlle Diane

Lille Diane

Crying is a release valve we all have whether it's to show grief, fear, sadness or pure joy. These water spouts, conveniently placed in our eyes, need to flow freely. Cleansing our sight, purifying our hearts and connecting us with one another to open our hearts with compassion. I've always said, "I don't trust a man, or person, who doesn't cry." Sadly, many teach their children to block this natural tool so they hold back in life thinking they are weak if they do shed a tear. Ever notice when you do let the cleansing waters out, to do their job of releasing whatever is bothering you, how much lighter, and better you feel? How could something so tiny as a tear bring about such relief from heaviness or heartfelt love? Because we were instilled with this beautiful mechanism of crying from birth, to lighten our loads, as well as celebrate our very existence into this world. Love a man who freely cries! To me that is a true sign of manhood.

 

 

 

 

 


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A wee film about us on STVs the HOUR SHOW click on STV logo to see the film

A wee film about us on STVs the HOUR SHOW click on STV logo to see the film
Andy the Daft Hermit lives 45 minutes outside Inverness with his wife Mel in an old bus parked in a layby. This current home of theirs is the longest they have ever stayed in one spot. “I’ve been travelling now 25 years,” said Andy Lowe. “Mel’s been travelling 15. One of the reasons we’ve come and stayed up here is because of Mel’s health. I wanted to bring her to the mountains for fresh air and clean water and just a slower pace of life.” Mel has had breast cancer twice, skin cancer once, and for three years believed she had bone cancer after being wrongly diagnosed. Andy’s belief in the restorative powers of the north made them pack up ‘The Black Bus’ that they live in and cross the border into Scotland. New Highland home for hermit couple Andy and Mel “I think we both believe in trying to get to a more simple way of life,” said Andy, “but it’s strange for us because we are sort of hermits, or we like to live separate, but it’s not being anti-social… it’s just the way we are that allows us to be creative.” Andy first began travelling when he left the army. Fed up with bureaucracy he packed a rucksack and left for France and has been travelling ever since. By investing any money the couple have earned into solar panels and wind generators they now live a self-sustaining existence, without electric bills, and collect rain water “straight from Heaven”. “It’s not easy,” said Mel. “There might be time when there might not be enough facilities around, but you always find a way, you know?” Rather than rejecting technology, Andy blogs about his travels online and collaborates with artists from around the world via his ‘Scratchy Heid Film Studio’, which he runs from a static trailer next to the couple’s bus. He explained his philosophy: “My belief is that if you can go through life and you drop dead and you’ve got a balance there that slightly outweighs the good than the bad, you’ve done alright. “Yesterday, with what Mel’s been through with the cancer and all that, I had a woman on one of my sites there that thanked me for the writing, for the positive things, and to me that’s worth everything. You can keep your millions, we’re not interested. That is what we do.” To check out Andy’s artwork and video projects check out his website. MORE FROM THE NORTH

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